BigBlog

Long but worth the read......

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead 
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me 
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad . Can you help?' 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this 
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make 
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do 
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later. 

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed 
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You 
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.). 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. 
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not 
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just 
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit 
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once 
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ,' 
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: 

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

 Morning all....Nothing new to report, just the usual upheavals in life....

Krystal is still sick....She has been off school this week..The doctor she is seeing did some more tests and the results aren`t due in until Friday.....The tablets he gave her are not working at all....I am really starting to get worried about her as she is now starting to feel weak as she is getting no nutrients into her body....I just hope they have the answer on Friday....

Joshua , same ol same ol.....His school rang me yesterday as he was up to his usual tricks again...Being disrespectful and disruptive....He has earned himself a detention after school for his behaviour....Naturally I heard a different tale of events from him....All I know is that he really detests this teacher and she is a thorn in his side.....If only he would shut his mouth and start acting his age, not the age of a two year old.....

The only one who hasn`t given me grief this week is Daniel....Since his little wagging experience school has been regular as clock work....Only thing I have difficulty with is trying to get him to do homework.....

We have the Royal show starting in a couple of weeks...He is rather excited as this year he will be going with his sister and her boyfriend.....It`s my "behave card" or you`re not going...He has done well so far and knowing me if he does stuff up i`ll probably let him go anyway....It would have to be something pretty major for me to stand my ground....

So to sum up the week so far.....Fairly moderate...Not too much stress which makes for a not so moody mum.....

This is a picture of my gorgeous great grandmother....

100 years young, proudly showing off her card from the queen....

We didn`t end up going as Krystal being sick like she is, I didn`t want to put my  great grandmother at risk.....

Isn`t she devine...I hope I look half as good as her when i`m older....

My mum and her nana....

I love the hat...She never goes outdoors without one.....

Well it`s over for another four years....I must say I did enjoy it especially the diving....How good was it that an Aussie bloke finally put an end to the Chinese....GOLD for Australia....He was simply magnificent.....

Congratulations to all of the Australian team....

And now it begins all again ....London.....I do like their logo for the 2012 games...Very modern .....

The day has started out simply gorgeous.....You can smell SPRING.....The flowers are blooming, the bees are buzzing and the birds are singing.....Ah I just love it when everything comes to life.....It makes you feel all good inside.....

Daniel and I went for a small jaunt on the push bikes this morning....I naturally took things nice and slow....I don`t want to have a sore you know what again.....I was quite amazed to see so many people out and about this morning riding their bikes.....

Joshua is earning himself some money today by washing and cleaning out the car.....It`s too nice a day to be stuck in his bedroom lazing around watching dvd`s all day.....

Krystal has taken herself to the doctors as nothing "still" is staying down.....I`m just wandering if it could be a severe case of reflux....She doesn`t feel sick from it and just every now and again she`ll get a sharp pain in the stomach.....It`s all a mystery.....

Matt unfortunately is missing out on this lovely day....He is stuck in bed not feeling the best....He had planned on going to his mothers today but just these past few days his epilepsy has been giving him grief....A few seizures which has left him a little disorientated and not knowing who is who.....

And now it`s back to the washing.....This is the first time in weeks i`ve actually been able to hang the clothes outside where they belong.....

Hope everyone elses weekend is going well.....

Morning All.....Yesterday`s dentist visit for Daniel went as well as can be expected....He had to have two fillings and still more to come....Far too many lollies......I must say he is alot braver than me....I cringe everytime they start that drill......

Just this last week I have had a few electrical appliances bite the dust.....So today i`m out to buy a new toaster....Ours certainly gets a workout and I can`t complain as I think it`s probably about 10 years old.....

Matt`s doctor is getting quite irrate as he still hasn`t heard back from the hospital...Apparently all the clerical staff are taking industrial action...For what reason i`m unsure, but no paper work is getting in or out for that fact.....Too bad if it`s an emergency (which in Matt`s case it is)......

So more blood was taken from Matt yesterday and more faxes were sent through.....I really do hope it get`s through this time....And if it`s because of industrial action that something terrible happens to my hubby....Boy shit will hit the fan....LITERALLY!!!!.....They are playing with peoples lives here......

It was one flat out kinda day yesterday....

Krystal had the day off as it was year 10`s and 11`s day to get their subjects organised for next year.....And parents had to tag along....A time was allocated for all and missy just happened to get her time wrong.....(by one and a half hours).....

So it was back in the car to go kill some time....Did the food shopping and paid what bills needed to be paid much to my digust.....Bloody someone is making some money and it aint me.....

Back to the school again, waiting , waiting,,,,OMG you won`t believe it, we were there the first time at the right time.....grrrr....This kid of mine, she sure does have some blonde moments......It worked out in the end...One of the teachers heard what had happened so she saw us straight away....

Then it was off to another lot of shops , did what I had to do and back home.....I was home only half an hour then I had to go pick my youngest up from school.....Talk about wear and tear on the car and especially me.....I was exhausted for some reason yesterday.....It was getting to the stage where I could hardly keep my eyes open....

Then Daniel tells me of his day at school and had me laughing my head off......He has a little girlfriend.....She is madly in love with him....Well she has planned their wedding for next Tuesday and they are going to get married in all places (China).....lol.....

Then he says to me "mum she is even asking what sex the baby will be that they have"....by this stage I was hysterical.....He is all of 11 years of age.....

I said to him "don`t you think you`re both a bit too young to be thinking of such things"

He said he told her that too.....

I then said to him "how is she planning on getting to China"....He has no idea so I made a suggestion....

I told him if she started digging now by the time she is 35 she might reach her destination....lol

Today isn`t going to be any quieter....Daniel has a dentist appointment this morning and then Matt has doctors appointments in the afternoon.....And somehow I have to get Krystal in to see a doctor about why she is still vomiting.....

I tell you just of late there isn`t enough hours in the day.....

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

I eventually found the sleep I was looking for last night....Yesterday I was up before the birds.....4am and here I was on the bloody computer playing games because I couldn`t sleep.....It did catch up with me, by 3pm I was starting to yawn my head off so once I picked the boy up I thought I`d try and have an hour nap....

Yeah like that could happen.....I laid down for all of 15 minutes.....I was over tired.....So did the motherly duties of organising tea and kids then by 9;30 was feeling exhausted yet again...Didn`t hear a thing until 6;45am this morning and now after several cups of caffeine i`m feeling refreshed and ready for the day.....

Now all I need to do is decide what i`m going to get up too.....I know the front lawn needs a trim so i`ll probably do that as tomorrow we are expecting one very cold day....12 degrees and hail.....

I`m on my son`s back at the moment as he is now at the age where he can get himself a part time job....He wants everything but expects me to buy it for him...Well things are different now...He wants these things he`ll have to work for them.....

Come Saturday morning I`ll be physically taking him to where Krystal is working and getting him to fill out an application form....he needs to be pushed otherwise he won`t or more to the point can`t be bothered.....Just as well i`m a "pushy mum" and not a "pushover"....lol

Yet another day with Krystal home throwing up everything that enters her mouth.....At this rate I can`t see me waiting another week as it`s just not normal for a usually healthy 16 year old....

Tomorrow she is going to try a day at school but i`ll have to let the school know of what`s going on with her just in case she needs to run out the classroom....

I took her out for a while today to Bunnings, my all time favourite store.....She was feeling a bit weak so she decided to pop her backside on the huge trollies they have and little old me pushed her around the store.....She was having fun....

My god I need some self control when I hit that shop....I just want to buy everything but I refrained from going over the top....

I needed some seed raising mix for my vegie seeds plus bags of potting mix.....I`m so determined to get my own vegetables growing for the summer months.....This year I have decided to grow them in pots as they didn`t do so well in the patch I have previously grown them in.....

The weather wasn`t too bad today so I was able to get outside and finally mow the lawn....I love the smell of freshly cut lawn plus it looks so much neater.....Pulled a few weeds out and the garden is starting to take shape.....

Next visit to Bunnings will be some garden edging much to hubby`s delight.....He hates it when I`m on a mission....lol